Get Financially Honest

 

“If given a choice between being honest about my finances and having to bungee jump over a 100 foot cliff, I would probably choose to jump. I’d prefer to expose myself to any number of life-threatening risks, rather than feel the pain and discomfort of being financially honest with my partner. It seems easier to just keep things the way they’ve always been with me and my husband and how we deal with money. I get frightened at the thought of challenging him. My husband is set in his ways and I’m afraid he just won’t want to hear what I have to say, won’t understand why I want things to be different. I’d almost rather just accept how things are then run the risk of confronting him,” one client confided to me.

During her coaching sessions this client had come to the realization that her family’s financial systems were based mostly on her husband’s need and desire to control the family finances. Her husband was the self-appointed financial director. While she was given monthly spending money, she had to go to her husband to ask for the one-and-only family checkbook when there was a need for an unplanned purchase. I encouraged her to get honest by first getting clear about her own feelings, needs and desires and then sharing them with her husband so that the two of them could work together to create a financial system that blended their different needs and approaches. This was her uncomfortable opportunity to get honest with herself, and with her husband.

Dan, a workshop participant, openly shared with the class that the number one area he struggled with was sharing financial information with his wife. When I questioned why he was afraid to get honest, he replied,

“Because if I was honest that would mean that I would have to change the way I do things. I would have to let my wife know when I received extra, unexpected money and how I spent it. I like my autonomy, and I’m not sure I’m ready to give this up.”

I could see that he was sincerely struggling with this issue. I also had to acknowledge his courageous comment, since his wife was sitting right beside him!

Honesty Begins in the Here and Now

Many of my clients and workshop participants have begrudgingly discovered the need (and opportunity) to get financially honest in their lives. A lot of times we carry the false belief that we’ll be more honest with our partners and ourselves after we make more money and are able to afford a better lifestyle. But in truth if you’re not financially honest when you’re struggling financially, chances are pretty good that you still won’t be honest with yourself and your partner when your financial situation improves.

Honesty is defined as: 1) Adherence to the facts. 2) Free from fraud or deception. 3) Genuine, real, marked by integrity. 4) Implies trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust. Are you adhering to the facts in your life? Are you deceiving yourself or your partner? Are you worthy of trust—your own and your partner’s?

Are You Deceiving Yourself or Anyone Else?

Here are some ways that we don’t adhere to the facts and deceive ourselves and others:

• We make expensive purchases without consulting our partners.
• We buy something and then hide it and wait until our partner is in a good mood to tell
them about it.
• We have no idea what our credit card balances really are (having a vague sense doesn’t count).
• We spend more money than we make (by relying on credit).
• We misrepresent financial information.
• We’re unwilling to take a stand on what feels financially “right to us” for fear of meeting disapproval from our partners.

We think we’re getting away with being dishonest because our partner doesn’t know. We won’t even let ourselves know the extent of our own dishonesty. But in truth, when we do any of the actions listed above, deep down inside we know, despite our creative justifications. Inevitably, this makes us not worthy of our own trust.

When we’re not willing to be honest, our energy gets drained from our physical bodies, our relationships AND our checkbooks. Think of this as an opportunity to step out of your old way of doing things and “step up” in your life.

Take a Single Financial Honesty Baby Step

If you feel intimidated and scared about being honest here’s my suggestion to you: consider taking a small single baby step. I’ve noticed that we quickly rule out being honest because we’re afraid that we have to leap all the way from where we are right now, imperfect and flawed, clear to the land of glistening, golden perfection. We’re afraid of the work and personal sacrifice involved in getting there. It’s enough to give anyone the heebee jeebees and make them jump ship and run. Because we’re afraid of the consequences of being honest, we choose to do nothing at all.

Instead of choosing to do nothing, I would encourage you to come up with a small financial baby step towards being honest. In the one-minute action step below you’ll be given an exercise to discover your own unique baby step, but for the time being here are a few ideas to consider:
• Find out the exact balance and interest rates on all your credit cards and put it down in writing.
• Quit giving in to impulse buys when you have huge looming debt that needs to be paid down, or when the rent is due in two weeks and you may not have enough money to cover it.
• Instead of giving away your power and always agreeing and going along with your partner’s financial decisions (because they know more about finances than you do) get clear on what feels right to you.

How Others Like You Became Financially Honest

Dan, whom I mentioned earlier, decided that his financial honesty baby step would be to pray each day for the willingness to be honest. After he made this decision, he began to gather his family around in the evening so they could pray together. He prayed out loud for the willingness to be financially honest with his wife and kids. He did this every night for about a month. Interestingly enough, amazing changes began to take place. His money behaviors began to change with seemingly little effort on his part. Instead of spending unexpected income on his own, without consulting his wife, he began to willingly include her. They started making money decisions together. His honesty affected his children as well—they became more relaxed, due to the decreased financial stress at home. His entire family was affected and transformed by his decision to pray for the willingness to be honest.

Another client decided that she and her husband would be honest about how much money they spent each day. Instead of buying clothes, books and impulse buys and telling each other about it several days later, they both agreed to briefly discuss their purchases at the end of the day before going to bed. They both felt much closer as a result, and for the first time in months they didn’t spend more money than they had in their bank account and didn’t acquire any bank overdraft fees. If these couples were able to get financially honest, you can too. Read the one-minute action step below to discover how.

 

1-Minute "Get Financially Honest" Action Step

 

1. Where in your life are you not being totally truthful to yourself, your partner, or others when it comes to finances?

2. What financial honesty baby step could you take that would have the greatest impact on the areas you identified above?

3. Record your answers on a piece of paper now and place them somewhere where you will see them daily. If your baby step involves your partner, tell them about it at dinner this evening.

* Names mentioned in this newsletter have been changed.

About the Author

Leslie Cunningham, CTACC, “The Financial Dating ® Expert,” has over 17 years experience as a service professional, leading groups, presenting, and helping individuals and couples achieve success.  She is dedicated to helping couples build wealthy relationships and turn their money & lifestyle stress into inspired action. 

If you liked today’s issue check out Leslie’s free articles, teleseminars, and workshops, which offer step-by-step guidance on creating wealth & closeness for couples. Learn more now at http://springwindcoaching.com

© 2006-2007 Leslie D. Cunningham

Spring Wind Coaching  |  7781 Nez Perce Dr.  |  Bozeman, MT 59715  |  Phone 406-586-5561

www.springwindcoaching.com 

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