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Let’s face it; conflict and tension are an inherent part of life. And when you mix in money and marriage, it’s almost a 100% guarantee that you’re going to encounter conflict more than just occasionally, especially in the early stages of marriage. When conflict arises, our knee-jerk reaction is often to judge our partner or ourselves. A more helpful approach would be to develop an acceptance of conflict, so that we can come to see it as a natural part of being alive - easy to say, but not so easy to achieve! The best approach would be to develop a trust that all conflicts have the potential to bring about growth
Creating a Space For Conflict
We can begin to unravel the conflict mystery by starting with the basics: life is filled with opposites. We experience this in many aspects of our lives: our relationships, within ourselves and in our life situations and circumstances. It’s not uncommon for someone who is a “money saver” to be married to his or her financial opposite, a “money spender.” A person who is artsy and intuitive is often attracted to someone who is logical, structured and organized. So, we are, in fact, attracted to people who are different than we are. There is wisdom in this, for it is through our differences that we can truly expand as individuals and as couples.
We also experience conflict internally. There are times when we feel judgmental and critical towards ourselves or we just feel conflicting emotions and desires. We experience conflict with the events that occur in our lives. There are times when life seems to be going our way, and times when we feel stuck and overwhelmed. We may feel frustrated because we’re not making enough money, or our career isn’t where we’d like it to be. Life seems bleak and effortful.
So how do we create a space for effectively dealing with and beholding conflict in our lives? The Mandorla is a powerful ancient symbol that beautifully depicts how to deal with struggle and conflict. This symbol can teach us how to be present with ANY kind of tension or conflict in our lives, but I believe it is especially useful for dealing in areas where couples tend to experience a significant amount of stress, like in the area of finances.
An Ancient Symbol of Possibility
According to one web site, “The Mandorla is an ancient symbol of two circles coming together, overlapping one another to form an almond shape in the middle. Mandorla is the Italian word for almond. The Mandorla is also known as the ‘Vesica Piscis,’ symbolizing the interactions and interdependence of opposing worlds and forces. Although the symbol has its origins before the Christian era, the early Christians used the symbol as a method to describe the coming together of complementary opposites: heaven and earth, divine and human…”
The Mandorla is known in both the East and West. The almond shape in the center is the place where we are called to be “open to” or “remain present” when we are in the midst of conflict. It is believed that all transformation takes place in the space of holding “the tension of opposites… In our remaining in the place of the intersection of opposites, we too will be transformed if we but bear the tension of remaining there.”
When any two people come together in a relationship there is opportunity for both conflict AND collaboration. The Mandorla calls us to remain conscious during conflict. If we are able to find humility and courage (when we’re feeling angry and frustrated) we have an opportunity to choose a new way: "our way," rather than "your way" or "my way."
Usually when we feel angry with our partner we’re on one of the outer circles, instead of in the center--the almond shape. If we’re stuck in one of the outer circles we are experiencing “polar opposites,” instead of “complimentary opposites.” It’s a sure sign that we’re getting stuck in the belief that there is just one right way to do something–namely, our own way. If we can remember this symbol when we’re feeling conflict, we can create a strong enough container to carry multiple possibilities and views. This symbol can help us transform challenges into new opportunities for growth. What seems to be an irreconcilable force or situation can be transformed when held within the container of the Mandorla.
Live Richly Action Step
Apply the Mandorla to your own situation
Step 1 Identify your top source of conflict or challenge. Take a moment and identify the top area in your life where you’re currently experiencing conflict and tension. To give you some ideas, consider the following areas of conflict: internal, relationships, life events or financial (there are, of course, many other areas of conflict; I’m just throwing a few ideas out there to help you get started).
Step 2 Draw two overlapping circles on a piece of paper.
Step 3 Label the circles with your opposing challenges. One circle should be identified with how you want things to be in the particular area of conflict you’ve chosen to work with. The other circle should be identified with how things actually are. Let’s say one of the places where you’re feeling conflict is with how your partner spends money. You’re frustrated because your partner tends to overspend instead of setting money aside for monthly savings. Keep your statements simple. Label one circle: How I would like my partner to spend money. Label the other circle: How my partner spends money.
Step 4 Feel the tension of complimentary opposites. Look at the almond- shaped place in the middle. Take a moment and feel the tension of your situation. When you notice tension or reactivity arising (during an actual argument and during this exercise) your practice is to witness and experience the tension, instead of identifying with the desire for things to be how you want them to be. Just enter the center, witnessing but not getting caught up in your desires. From this place, notice what arises. Remember, the almond-shaped center reminds us to create an emotional and energetic container for possibilities, opportunities and solutions, instead of believing that there is just one way–your own way. Remind yourself of this as you look at the almond-shaped center. You might even want to say out loud, “There are INFINATE possibilities and solutions that surpass my limited solution.”
Step 5 See what solutions arise. You may want to allow yourself to hold and feel this tension of opposing forces (the force of how things are with the force of how you want things to be) for a week and see what kind of creative solutions come to your mind as you go about your week. And if you’d like a more pragmatic approach, you can set your timer for 10-20 minutes and brainstorm various solutions. After your time is up, select the solution that has the most energy, excitement and appeal for you.
Step 6 Print off the image of the Mandorla. You can print the image of the Mandorla on this newsletter and post it on your fridge, or in your workspace, next to your computer. Next time you’re feeling tense or angry, recall the symbol of the Mandorla. Use this as an opportunity to become more present and enter the space of tension within yourself. Enter this sacred space where you can allow your conflict to just "be". Hold the tension of opposites in your body (by feeling your fear, anger, or resistance). Know that by allowing yourself to feel these feelings in your body, you are entering the powerful, ancient space of the Mandorla, where alchemy and possibility exist.
About the Author
Leslie Cunningham, CTACC, “The Financial Dating ® Expert,” has over 17 years experience as a service professional, leading groups, presenting, and helping individuals and couples achieve success. She is dedicated to helping couples build wealthy relationships and turn their money & lifestyle stress into inspired action.
If you liked today’s issue check out Leslie’s free articles, teleseminars, and workshops, which offer step-by-step guidance on creating wealth & closeness for couples. Learn more now at http://springwindcoaching.com
© 2006-2007 Leslie D. Cunningham
Spring Wind Coaching | 7781 Nez Perce Dr. | Bozeman, MT 59715 | Phone 406-586-5561
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